I didn't come out to my parents as planned. A part was my own cowardice, another part was that it never felt like the right time. The right time. I should put that in quotations from now on. I have this fantasy running in my mind of a time when my parents and I are sitting at the dinner table, with the TV on in the other room, and we hear a news report about gays in the military or gays in the school systems or gays in Boy Scouts. My father and mother would comment, and before they could say anything too bad I would jump in and say: "Wait, Mom and Dad, before you say something you would later regret! I'm gay." They would stare flabbergasted, then both would burst into tears and hug me and offer me $1,000.00 in cash to spend at The Pub in New Orleans.
Right.
Enter the cowardice. There were several times throughout the alloted two days that I could have said, "Mom, Dad, can I talk to you two for a minute?" But I couldn't bring myself to do it. For one thing, it's hard to come out to your parents when they're watching an episode of Andy Griffith. It was Ashley who made me think of the Cowardly Lion, when she told me that I was making excuses. What gave the Cowardly Lion courage? It was when the Wizard gave him medals: evidence of his courage. It occurs to me that I have no evidence of courage. I have never done anything paticularly courageous. I wish they gave out medals for coming out, so I would know that I could get something out of it.
How materialistic is that? But, on some level, it's my reasoning. The result of the conversation is an unknown. What do I have after that's sure? The support of my friends? Hah. Will my friends help me pay my rent, my car note, my taxes, my groceries, my gas? I am being materialistic, but it's because I rely on my parents for all my materials. Taking stock, I've truly begun to realize just how extensive their support is, how much I gain to lose. I know that it's shallow, but it's a shallow world we live in. I'm a full-time college student trying to get into grad school.
There I go again, making excuses. I guess I'm just afraid to tell the truth. Jesus said the truth would set us free. But does it? I mean, look where it got him!
Maybe I've just gotten too comfortable behind enemy lines. It's not in the nature of a spy to reveal himself. Can diplomacy work? Can the enemy become the ally? I've never been good with words or social situations. Maybe my diplomacy isn't up to task.
For now, I'll just spend time with my friends. We're going to New Orleans for the BCS Bowl, and there's a boy. There always is. Until then....
Sincerely,
Your Spy
Right.
Enter the cowardice. There were several times throughout the alloted two days that I could have said, "Mom, Dad, can I talk to you two for a minute?" But I couldn't bring myself to do it. For one thing, it's hard to come out to your parents when they're watching an episode of Andy Griffith. It was Ashley who made me think of the Cowardly Lion, when she told me that I was making excuses. What gave the Cowardly Lion courage? It was when the Wizard gave him medals: evidence of his courage. It occurs to me that I have no evidence of courage. I have never done anything paticularly courageous. I wish they gave out medals for coming out, so I would know that I could get something out of it.
How materialistic is that? But, on some level, it's my reasoning. The result of the conversation is an unknown. What do I have after that's sure? The support of my friends? Hah. Will my friends help me pay my rent, my car note, my taxes, my groceries, my gas? I am being materialistic, but it's because I rely on my parents for all my materials. Taking stock, I've truly begun to realize just how extensive their support is, how much I gain to lose. I know that it's shallow, but it's a shallow world we live in. I'm a full-time college student trying to get into grad school.
There I go again, making excuses. I guess I'm just afraid to tell the truth. Jesus said the truth would set us free. But does it? I mean, look where it got him!
Maybe I've just gotten too comfortable behind enemy lines. It's not in the nature of a spy to reveal himself. Can diplomacy work? Can the enemy become the ally? I've never been good with words or social situations. Maybe my diplomacy isn't up to task.
For now, I'll just spend time with my friends. We're going to New Orleans for the BCS Bowl, and there's a boy. There always is. Until then....
Sincerely,
Your Spy
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