Coming Out Is The Hardest Part

When I came out to my friends, it was an ambush plotted by Drunk Me. He waited until I had had a half bottle of tequila in my system before unleashing the truth upon my friends. It was so bad, they didn't even know whether to mention it the day after for fear I wouldn't remember. But, Sober Me was happy, thankful even to Drunk Me. I had kept the secret inside me too long; secrets are like milk really, in that both have an expiring date. And I was way past due on mine.

I feel the same way today. I have the horrible and yet entirely too happpy that when my mom comes into the house today, I may quite literally give her a hug and say "I'm gay" before she even has time to put her purse down. I had planned to tell both my parents, sitting down at dinner, but I'm way too much of a coward for that. I've decided that it's going to be Drunk Me's way or the highway. Time to blurt out word-vomit. Maybe that's the only way. Just blurt out the truth and clean up after the word-vomit.

What is it that's so scary about coming out of the closet ot my parents, to parents in general? Of course part is the fear of rejection and of, for the first time, having to live on my own wihtou finanical help from my parents. But I think there's another side to it. I'm afriad that my parents won't react as parents. They will react as people. As people with opinions and prejudices. I've lived with my parents all my life. I haven't lived with two individual people. Kind of scary, to think about it that way.

Is telling them seperately the way to go? Probably not, but it's the only way a cowardly guy like me can do it. I've always found it easier to tell my mother something than my father. I have a deep respect for my father; if any of the pair will reject me, it's him. That's the hard truth. Which would kill me, of course. My mom will always love me and be on my side. I believe that. I suppose I also believe that mothers in general are more disposed to stick by their children's side. So, it may be cowardice, but it has to be done. If this is the way I'm going to do it, then it's the way I'm going to do it.

Wish me luck.

Sincerely,
Your Spy